Letters from Charles, to Rita

Notes: 11 / 2 years ago

a letter from a surviver

the corners of my mouth are spilling out litters of movement and carbonated fluid.
sips of toxic tonics and half moons. …lined up to the ceiling, i’ve counted all of them.

____ of these bottles. all _____ empty days of empty bottles. like stars.
past the tree line. past the skyline. an endless decay of time. and all leading up to this.
words barrel roll out like acid rain drops. the pen impressions are sharp deep marks leading into my finger tips. i’m an artilery of blood and hand movement. …of inescapable air that will find it self O2 less in the next 4 seconds and will be cast to the depths as tree food. i’m hungry. raging. an after effect still from feeling your heatbeat break. and i’m steady. i’m clear. a perfect piece of inspired machinery. limitless by being lightless. limitless by being loveless.
undead, never dead. sometime you just feel like you’ll never die. and every piece of every part of ever thing about you just suits you. and sometimes, somethings you don’t think suit you actually do. and then every part seems to collect and fit into the same black box.
i am a tetris pro.
and if there was a way to re fill those empty bottles, i would. i would put every inch of me back where it belonged. and here’s the perfect, chest aching, brian thumping, heart pounding part i imagine…
on a cold, frost, snow prone december night so clear you can taste the stars in the air… so cold that the wet on her lips delivers crystals on any kiss. i am delivered to her in a coma and i wake up from a deep christmas sleep head heavy in velvet arms. soft, warm, perfect, arms. wrapped in heat. covered in heat. soaked in love. and velvet crystal kisses.

but tonight,
we are two of the strangest creatures alive aren’t we? we live together our perfect lives not so together …this “meant to be” “fate” “made for me” preplanned destiny. i feel like we waste it …being so far apart.
and destiny is unfulfilled but i am surviving it with copious amounts of style and flawless taste.

welcome to our new home rita… remember,
it’s never ever to late.

Notes: 8 / 2 years ago

Twilight

written:
april 21st ‘09
in cell block CF2 between a dream and
in the pattern of a classic edgar allen poe.

light comes down in mist that spreads out on the floor. a trickle of twilight kills the sleeping underneath my bedroom door. from a far off side there is weeping, someone’s weeping… that l’ve shrugged off to go recapture sleeping, retake my sleeping on the bed beside my bedroom door.
To Black!

and i fall off the edge now. slowly. gently. i’m pushed up on a frame of metal ivy, with a face that stands no longer beside me. she had perfect hands. in this picture you can see those perfect hands.
To Black!

and my brain sways to dreaming. on a 5th of dark liquor and words that have lost their meaning, try to have meaning when you’re missing the one you adore.
and maybe it’s more about timing. the turning of our dreams making for time finding, finding out later we need each other more. the more and more time and the more i need her more.

but i’m shadows now cast out upon the the floor. an outline from her past and maybe nothing more. but as on i’m dreaming, now as i have dreamed ever since and still believing, always as before…
that twilight will break from the weight of my heart against my bedroom door.
and that my heart will soon wake to find someone knocking on the other side of my bedroom door.
and that someday…
i will wake!
to the shape! of a shadow her shape!
coming through
my bedroom
door!

but for now …
it’s just the twilight that keeps me from sleeping, keeps my heart out in weeping, keeping the sunlight and her shape from creeping,
in.
underneath
my bedroom door.

2 years ago

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it up carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love, is hell.” -C.S. Lewis"

2 years ago

drowning in the dramatics of repeating sunken ships on the low seas

watch me do my disappearing act. it will be the best you’ve ever seen because you wont see it coming. if i could tell you what this feels like, if you could understand how this feels. this wouldn’t be happening. every pound of air in my lungs feels like 100,000 pounds inside me. hopelessness completely covers me. fog and abandonment bury me. abandoned six feet under baby.

2 years ago

sparks fade under low star light

i just need one minute of your time.
i just need someones time. to spill, to drench my blood onto.
in a low tone, high class, smokey room, kinda way. i need saving from fading away.
my story and my high, i dont want this to go away.
these sparks need to last me until we fall asleep together eveyday.

2 years ago

a february encounter

last night,
i slept in the arms of my affection against the muted tone of a burning fireplace, velvet fingers, and arms in arms with ms perfection.

arms in arms

2 years ago

blasting the red surge that drowns the old towne

girl,
today i found you under a steeple
marked in fade gray, stone, and dead people
we are dieing people.

its where you can find me. under the waterway, through the downtown tunnel that denied me, on the other side, where there are so many steeples.
to fall to. on my knees in front of you, prays to. in the streets of stone that remember you, echo you. buried next to you in death, in dieing arms that fought for you. i fought for you and held hands to carry you…

to the movies.

surrounded by so many steeples.
the dead write to dieing people!
in scrambled hope and fading people. girl, you look at me like i am dead people.
by the space where you let your heart lean to, dug deep words and lies to spawn to, this, the current life that steals you is, is this that kills you with little regret, spills you thin and red and loveless fills you. with emptiness. dont you? wish you? even wanted to? wake up to? the last morning.

in color and light wake up from this on the last morning.
this is not now and not ever. this is one of your dreams of not being together! and this dream is not forever!! and you are not alone this time because this dream i have slept through next to you in real time! and we’ve lived death in the same place we both have slept. my arm holds your neck and your arm rests on my chest and we can wake to the smell of each others morning breath and i will feel you go so limp, so lite, so at peace that everything is going to be alright and i will whisper the words ive always missed but you’ve always wanted to hear.
and my soul will be screaming; my dead heart will be restored to beating again knowing you are still here. having no more fear. because youll know then you’re the girl i fell for the second our eyes sparked there was no one else any more. your face detailed inside my eye lids. the breath that boomed from that spark triggered earthquakes that sunk tiny islands. and that same breath in muted sleep stays breathing booms until i can wake. and that new morning, that one day coming morning is when the death that has emptied me will render me awake as living. and the corpse that lies now underneath so many steeples will exit death and we will both again be living people. and as living we will survive life happily together until true death finds our bodies aged and mangled and taken up in black abyss removes this life from our lips. but our souls, our selves, our spirits will still exist and as our selves we will rise above the abyss and over the steeples and my love for you will last long even after we are both dead people.

2 years ago

burning you in the gave

even in death…
my heart burns one million suns for you
and my arms ache one million aches without you.

right now my body is molten and i have to tell you…
i love you.

2 years ago

bombs from the tomb and the dead walk among you

even in death there is something to be said…
not as often, but from time to time… as we get closer to decay, by worms eating our toes and rotting away. i have things to say.

i will tell you that yes the dead do walk among you. that asleep in your bed the dead rest upon you. with you. in deep bed sheets glowing red. the dead wish they were like you. some visit you… so close to you. under your window they do wish to place his blood on you.
in walking is how we do it. in shadows from shadows are the hearts that burn oil slower for you. but burning still they do. with flowers, that i gave you… you set on my earth flowers to morn to. on my earth. in the ground. muting, holding, silencing all the words my rusted throat can sound. to silence. i work forgotten, in the spot of your hearts miss shaped and so forgotten. i scold you. in dirty, damp boxes they will hold you. to sleep to, until eternity finds you. and ends you.

the dead do walk among you.

in sheeps fur and burning fire wood they tempt you. in imagination i imagine you. on sheep skin next to burning fire wood. i blaze you! burning the thoughts into my mind. into my swiss cheese, gray, beetle brain eaten, mind. i can see you like i use too. through the heat and warmth that makes you. living. the living. i am the dead among the living, living the dead. you cant always see me… but want me and i always come breathing, fake breaths make fake breathing, and fake lips provide fake kissing. but though of the mind, these lips are not so fake. and i rest this on you my loveliest, that death does not stop the loneliest from no longer being lonely. that awake or dead, love still floats above my cement angel head. in color. in life giving love to power one another. in power, in power, in power. the powerless in life is set free in death. and the hope and know of our love being met keeps my ghost breathing those close winter breaths. when i kiss you i forget breathing.

but tonight i can only name it by fate, the black sails of destiny shake me. and my box six feet under wakes me. tonight! i am awake. in my grave i can hardly wait. there are spasms down here near the roots. my tomb leaks and the ground has moved. i know the clouds are moving in over head to wash away all the shit im buried in. its like birth. its like 18 months of slow birth and my birthday is so far away. but fate provided a way. in the way the ocean waves splatter black water this way. i am illuminated. i am righteous. i am handed life in death, my bones, the righteous, the karma of my death will be met. and loneliness can then evade me. and knowledge and growth can be me, who i want you to be. and who has brought this death upon me shall take my place in correct flow of karmas destiny because my love, we are destiny. floating on row boats above this sea destiny powers me. with power power. burning fire wood thoughts fueling power power. in thought.
its whats right next to you now asleep some where in you now but awake it will wake you some how! like the rain that reminds you, how every time it rains i will find you. here underground. six feet darker you continue to burn somehow. and its with this i continue to walk on as dead, as love that walks on undead. and haunts you. to the end of your life, im with you. in flesh or dust i still hold on to you. in my arms or bones that ache you… rest to know that destiny will erase death and one day soon, in flesh i will hold you.

tonight i felt bombs.
tonight they cracked my metal tomb
and bombs go boom and this bomb …
went fucking boom.

and so tonight the dead have walked among you!

2 years ago

its in the headless shape my body makes when i’m laying on the floor without you

its the air that divides us. the choke out that denies us. breath. in symptoms that define us as feelings as far from our selves as oxygen in space. through space. that delivers us. home. in knock outs. in single rounds. machine guns. in 50 rounds. black out. and its in the distance when it hits you. the horrizon splits you. cuts you in two. one two. in waves. machine guns. massive waves. its the lonelyness. in emptyness. in haveing it not having it that makes it wish you were dead. and dancing. heartbeats. heartbeats dancing… to deadless lives. to heartbeats and lies. this is the headless. this is the headless. the headless lies.